The Changeling (1980)

"Celia, I want a classic type of horror film that will be creepy while we're watching it but won't actually scare me at all in the long run!" The back of the box said "After the tragic death of his wife and daughter Composer George C. Scott moves into a Victorian haunted house to carry on his work." Perfect!

Man, what a stupid film. Much hilarity.

Total Recall (2012)

After a date with a bucket of chicken on a park bench me and Stephen went to the other cinema in York- the one I'd never been to, the 1930s art deco one! and we saw the Total Recall remake, I think he was appalled to find out I'd never seen the original. I imagine the original couldn't possibly be as bad as that. But hey, you never know! It could be shite too! You know your film is suffering when Bryan Cranston and Bill Nighy are the potential bad guys.

Men in Black III (2012)

God, it was terrible. I'm sorry we had to see it. Highlight was when the creepy bad guy spoke and I went 'Fuck, is that Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords?!' and it was.

Julius Ceasar, Globe

The day after Rufus Alison had to work so I went to see this Italian production of Julius Casear at the Globe as part of their World Shakespeare Season- all the works of Shakespeare in 40 different languages. Anna, who booked the tickets and then couldn't come, speaks Italian. I don't. There were no subtitles but I've seen the play, I know what's happening... I managed to sell my extra ticket to an Italian girl and then we went and watched it. Ok... It was an avant-garde, minamilist sort of thing, modern dress too, but I followed the weak visual puns (lightbulb held over head, writhing in torment, etc.) and I followed the plot. My favourite bit was when they all killed 'Ceasar'... Ceasar was played by a leather chair with the seat punched out. Later on when each character died, they sat in the chair- you know, it's symbolic... Ha!!! It was tripe! And the Italian audience bloody loved it! Actually, my real favourite bit was when the old ladies in front of me who had been following their English texts throughout the performance said after the chair-murder to each other "I think the chap with the moustache is Caesar." That was Brutus!! Caesar had already been killed!! How could they not follow it?! Jeez!

Sherlock Holmes 2 (2012)

SHITE.
I liked one scene, the scene three minutes before the end when Moriaty and Holmes chuck themselves over the Reichenbach Falls. And then what? They bring Holmes back instantly!? Didn't the original fans of the books have to wait ten years or something before he was brought back to life? I think that was a bit more dramatic.

The Princess and the Frog (2009)

Disney's odd attempt to welcome the Obama administration failed miserably with bland bland characters as they tried so hard to be PC. Scared to give their black heroine any traits that might make her human the only interesting character was the cliche send-up of the spoiled white brat, she was funny and cute whilst all the bland black characters could have been anybody.
Also the plot was all over the place, kids don't know what voodoo is!! I refuse to believe any child could follow that.

Old Reviews 10: Present Laughter (National Theatre, December 2007)

Also while in London I saw the Noel Coward play 'Present Laughter' starring Alex Jennings. I am not a Noel Coward fan, I didn't know if I was before hand, but now I do know, the only bit Anna and I laughed at was the bit that Round the Horne had taken the piss out off back in the 60s, no one else laughed as it wasn't actually a joke. Anyway, it was one of those audiences who laughed at everything while Anna and I sat there wondering what the hell they were laughing at. Jenno himself was awfully good, but I'm not sure if I was convinced by the other actors and sorry, Noel Coward, but I just didn't like how it was written! The set and lighting were lovely of course, it was the National Theatre, but it didn't work as a play for me.
How the hell old is Alex Jennings? I've always thought he was around mid fifties, but I've thought that for about ten years! He has the face of a child!! Has anyone ever noticed that women look older on stage and men look younger? Well, Jenno did.

2011 Author's Note: That's the gays for you! You'll notice this starts with the word also, that's because the day before we saw the Spice Girls' reunion show at the O2. Fun.

Old Reviews 8: The Letter (an Edinburgh Theatre, Feb 2007)

So into the theatre where we scoffed our sandwiches too quickly, and hundreds of old people joined us. I forgot about these wednesday matinees, they're like pensioner days. That's what happened when I saw Nigel Havers a couple of years ago, I was on my own in a sea of grannies. Same today. But you know how it is, pensioners are so well behaved, they've been to the theatre before they know it's not their living room so they won't talk... UNLESS they're sitting next to me, they're then guaranteed to talk. "Ooh, is that Anthony Andrews? No. That's a much younger man. Is that Anthony Andrews? Yes, yes it is. Hasn't he aged?" I stress, this was NOT a conversation this was a commentary by one mad old woman.
Anyway, the play was The Letter starring Antoine and Jenny Seagrove. The first scene was Seagrove overacted and forgetting her lines, it was cringeworthy, I actually thought "Oh my god.. this is amatuer dramatics. This is so terrible." And I actually found myself thinking I could do a better job!! She was dreadful and I thought the whole play was going to be a dead loss, but luckily for us most of the play was just Anthony Andrews talking to himself or his amusing clerk. What started out a horrible attempt at drama soon turned into humor and the day was saved by Double A! The man who I've now seen most on stage out of all my favourites! (thrice)
We had ice creams in the interval and old people did embarrassing things but not as embarrassing as Celia's slip falling off somehow from under her dress. She blamed the old people. I was in hysterics. Anyway, not a bad play. Didn't like Seagrove, she had a one-tone voice that cut through me and she couldn't act.

2011 Author's Note: Me and Celia were so drunk on our trip to Edinburgh we could have been watching anything.

Old Reviews 4: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (2005)

I just saw the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with my friend Lindsay, she didn't like it, but I tell you I've never cried so much in one cinema. I couldn't stop, everytime Bailey and Tibby's bits of the story came on all I could taste was tears spluttering out of my mouth, it was so embarrassing.
But seriously, I'd seen the trailer about a hundred times and thought no way, each time, that looks so crap. But then I wanted to see it 'cause I wanted to do a comic about me Lauren and Susie sharing a pair of jeans, so I reckoned I'd better see the movie if I'm to take the piss out of it.
It's about these four girls buying a pair of jeans that they share on their seperate holidays... One's a blonde tart who wants to bone her football coach at football camp. One's a moany bitch who has to watch her dad get remarried to a family of nazis. One's a prude with a face like a child making out with a very young Antonio Banderas while her Greek grandparents spit on her, and the last one's a kick ass arty type making a documetary with her new best friend cute-12-year-old-girl!
So basically I hated the blonde one becaue I know so many people like that, and sports sucks big time anyway. I didn't like the one that was telling the story who had to watch her father get married, she was extremely annoying, and as self-centered as the blonde. The one with a face like a child was ok, but I thought her sketches were crap, I liked the guy who looked like Antonio Banderas that she fell in love with, he was the good part of her story. I liked the one who befriended the 12 year old, I liked her story the best and Brian McBrian is the best name for a character, he was cool.
But christ, when Tibby found out Bailey (the kid) had leukemia I cried through almost all their scenes, I sort of found myself thinking 'god, I hope she dies soon so I can stop crying!!' Oh it was so sad, but the girl and the kid were so good! Good actors I mean! I wish I had a cool twelve year old friend who would carry my sketch book for me when I go out drawing.... that would be handy. I wouldn't want a sick one though, that would be depressing.

2011 Author's Note: I guess it must have been my time of the month or something...

The Rite (2011)

Shite. But look how beautiful the boy who stars is! Seriously! I was watching it thinking "my god, he might actually be perfect!" Something of the Joseph Fiennes about him methinks... but even better!

The first half of the film was ok, I thought they might actually be trying to do a "realistic" exorcism film. The pregnant girl being possessed seemed quite well done, and as we kept on being told, there is no physical evidence, you (the priest) have to just believe... But then loads of physical evidence started to happen; coughing up nails, doors cracking open, candles blowing out, bracelets being chucked all over the shop. Like, surely someone would say "Hey, this is physical evidence, isn't it?"

And if all the possessed folk just shout "fuck off priest!" how come when Anthony Hopkins is possessed he's extremely eloquent? He's Hannibal Lector again! I reckon that was just the way he taught every priest how to be an exorcist, just pretend to be possessed and let the kid say all the spells. "Well done, you passed! Next!"

Merlin and the Sword (1985)

Me and Lauren watched this masterpiece on saturday morning with our breakfast. It was actually very entertaining in a total trash way, you would never guess it was made in 1985, it looks like 1970.
The best bit was the dragon fight at the end and the many shots of Rupert Everett's gormless face. I wanted a picture of his gormless face for the review but there is practically nothing on the internet about this film other than weird youtube videos of naked Rupert... Oh, and a trailer that someone has put their own narration on to, I can't really see how the original narration could have been much different to tell you the truth.

Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

Total shite.

The lesbians never even made out! They just writhed around each other! How is that lesbianism!?

Lauren and I felt it our duty as Paul McGann fans to see this rubbish, and yes, when Paul's in it he is good. He even managed to make us laugh! Unlike the film's comedy duo Gavin and Smithy, who were both appallingly bad... I mean, we knew it was going to be shit, and we were both glad it was such a failure because, coupled with Cordon and Horne the worst sketch show ever fumbled together, it cemented the fact that they are just not funny. It made it plain that all the good bits of Gavin and Stacey are obviously written by Ruth Jones.

But why, Paul? Why?

Vexed (BBC1 Sundays)

So after Sherlock- which was really well done in every respect- comes another three episodes of something new from the BBC, why, it's Toby Stephens in a police comedy show!

Such lazy writing!! They never once go anywhere near a police station never mind another member of the force! Forget a backstory, these two are detectives on a case, you got it? And look here's Rory Kinnear doing what he does best, eating eggs.

The jokes are offensive and not very funny but there are lots of them and somehow, maybe it's Tobes' charm, it's really quite enjoyable! It's because it doesn't switch, the writers have decided it is half-arsed, and it's consistently half-arsed, there's no sudden plot, it is just cheap and funny shite. Great stuff.

Russell Crowe's Robin Hood (2010)

So just what was Robin Hood trying to steal from the rich and give to the poor in this appallingly American rewrite of the legend Britain's best loved crim? Liberty?!

I have been watching a lot of Tony Robinson's Maid Marian and her Merry Men (1989-94) lately and I have to say that as a spoof and a children's show even MM was a better telling of the story than the drivel I sat through tonight! In Ridley Scott's RH Russell Crowe leads an army into battle with France on the shores of England. He never EVER steals anything from the rich and gives to the poor- he steals some grain from the church and gives it to the relatively wealthy bird that he fancies. NOTHING else.

The production design was awful, AWFUL. What the hell did they base the look of it on?! It was all wrong. Bad script, bad look, bad casting. Yeah, half the time- no wait, I'm being kind, MOST of the time I didn't have a clue what Russell Crowe was saying, I had no idea what his accent was supposed to be, Scouser, Geordie, Yorkshire, Irish?! What?!

I was angry that Guy of Gisborne never turned up, I was even angrier that the Sheriff of Nottingham had about three minutes screen time- especially as Matthew MacFadyen seemed to be the only one in the film not taking it so effing seriously! He must have signed up and thought "Yeah! Sheriff of Nottingham! That's a brill role! The bad guy, yeah?" Only to find that Mark Strong was the bad guy Godfrey of Basingstoke! He must have got his script and said: "Well eff this, if Alan Rickman can camp it up to fuck then so can I!" And he was extremely campy while everyone else mumbled their lines like it was a serious piece of history.

Yes, I enjoyed the Sheriff's cameo but I spent most of the film (trying to find something to enjoy) deliriously lusting over Mark Strong. The thing I usually like about Mark Strong is his ill-fitting wigs, they change from film to film, but in this, without the ridiculous syrup as sported in Sherlock Holmes, I could really appreciate just how perfect his face is. Pity he got that badly made scar right at the beginning of the film. Boo!

Twilight: Eclipse (2010)

Even though there was a sort of exciting big fight scene in this one the film was still extremely uneventful- it ended with NOTHING happening- and it was ridiculously overlong.

The three leads are so horrifically uncharismatic and hateful, I don't know if it's just the three boring actors playing them or the appalling scripts or heck, both! But I wondered- as I had given up whilst reading book two because it was so disgustingly badly written, self indulgent and basically just unreadable!- I was wondering if I might actually end up liking any of the characters after seeing what happened in this movie. Well, I just wanted them all to die more!

Ugh. It made me want to watch Black Death again! It made me think Sean Bean was a good actor!!

Black Death (2010)

"Don't act until I tell you!" said Sean Bean half way through the film- I wish he'd bloody told them at the beginning!

This film was basically a medieval torture showcase! Some actors got hideously tortured but Eddie Redmayne showed that he has promise as a versatile film actor by playing a repressed monk and then at the end a psycho bad guy- but quite a pretty one. So this film was probably good for him but not for the others. Sean Bean played his usual and a rather miscast Tim McInnerny (still my favourite) played the heavy who ended up in the extravagant torture device last seen at the end of Blackadder I. Yeah, looking at Tim there playing a big thug I was like; "Oh dear, you really have some odd choices, Amy. Why do you like him?" And then he started speaking and even though the script was drivel McInnerny has a voice I could listen to all day. Sigh!

Terrible script, mostly terrible acting, terribly violent and above all terrible camera work- I felt headachy watching the hand held effect that lasted the majority of the film, ugh, focus damn it, focus!!

Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Tim Burton's Alice may have looked amazing in 3D on a big screen, but this 3D gimmick is still in it's infancy, the impressive graphics were lost in translation on my normal HD tv and the whole thing just looked like a horrible video-game. In fact, the whole thing seemed like an advertisement for one big boring Disney game.

The thing about Alice in Wonderland is that it is a series of nonsense poems and sketches, to try and give the characters backgrounds and plot-lines is utterly pointless, it annoys purists and it ruins classic characters. This "sequel" was pointless, the idea that Alice went back to reality again was utterly unbelievable, she had nothing waiting for her and when she got back she did nothing to better herself other than a short embarrassing dance.

Either stay with Johnny Depp and all the other mad characters who quite frankly were not in the least bit mad- just annoying. Or got back to reality kill Gerry James and mary Tim Pigott-Smith, that's what I would have done.

Glandular Fever roundup: Nowhere Boy, Avatar, Sunshine Cleaning, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

I have seen a bunch of films this week because I am ill. All films that I have wanted to see, some for a while, some that have just come out. I can't be doing with reviewing each separately so here is a roundup. The list: Sunshine Cleaning(2009), Nowhere Boy(2009), Avatar(2009), Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist(2008).

I'll say straight off that I enjoyed them all, except Avatar which was the biggest pile of crap I've ever seen and I knew that it would be (my dad made me watch it, it wasn't on my list). Yes the CGI is amazing and it looks beautiful and I'm sure on the big screen and in 3D it was an experience. But it is still a film about a self-righteous American who befriends the natives and leads them into a mindless war where even though they win they have millions more fatalities than the enemy. Self congratulatory American drivel.

Nowhere Boy was about John Lennon's teenage years and I was worried (as a Beatles expert) that I wouldn't like it, the casting or whatever. But no, I really did like it, and I felt very emotional watching it, especially that bit at the end where Paul and John have a punch at each other and then start crying because both of them have just lost their mums. Of course, that is what kept these two vastly different geniuses together all those years, but I never really thought about it, and it made me terribly sad! Maybe it was just the glandular fever! I thought the casting was great, though not keen on George- he was a much prettier boy than that- Paul as played by that ugly kid from Love Actually was actually quite a good choice and of course the boy playing Lennon was sometimes exactly like him and then sometimes stunningly gorgeous! As per usual with these British films, excellent ensemble, Kristin Scott-Thomas and Anne-Marie Duff gave brilliant performances and David Morrissey in the background was good solid support.

Sunshine Cleaning I liked too, the two gals were good and Alan Arkin never disappoints, very real but with surprising moments of subtle hilarity considering the subject matter! Could have done without the weird Emily Blunt/Lesbian not-relationship though, I didn't think that added anything.

I watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist with my dad and we both liked it- and he is the kind of person who thinks American Pie is a good coming-of-age teen comedy! I thought it was very well written, I liked that it all took place over one night, that made it different from the other Indie teen movies out there- that probably also star Michael Cera. She was really lovely though and all I could think was she could do much better than him!

Extreme Ops (2002)

Listen to this, this is the summary from the Radio Times and the reason why I set the video and taped this film:

"Mediocre action film starring Rupert Graves and Rufus Sewell. A group of snowboarders persue a war criminal."

And it did it's job; it passed an hour and a half with my father who is not happy unless he is in front of a screen (or at Lidl). It was as expected bloody awful. But sort of rewardingly bad, you know, we enjoyed the appallingly bad dialogue and bad acting, the overacting to compensate for the miscasting of Gravesy as an obnoxious American... and in general this very poor attempt at finding a suitable leading role for Rufus Sewell.
Ah, Roofy, you had such promise... But somebody blew it, you never got to be Heathcliff, and Heathcliff you were born to play. Yes, he is at his charming best when in period dramas, somehow his smouldering charm does not come across in modern settings, probably because he looks like an old painting, I know how you feels Roofy, I am in that same boat, we should probably just get married... I hate seeing him cast as bad guys, creeps and obnoxious wankers, that's what Hollywood thinks of him! What do they know?!
Anyway, in the end I was quite getting into it despite it being about something I have no interest in and it being so badly written (the last scene showed Rufus Sewell looking out of the window at his extreme-sports friends doing a wacky stunt on a train that happened to be passing his office at that exact moment, Roofy rolled his eyes and muttered: "Here we go again!") But then it just ended and all the bad guys suddenly died! It needed someone to come in and write a proper ending! Then I would have given it a nice average two stars instead of one. Pah!

The Bounty Hunter (2010)

The options were a French film, the Leo film or this. Anna and I had just spent a week in Italy seeing amazing architecture and works of art and ice cream, we had saturday to kill and we were tired, so instead of seeing a film we actually fancied seeing we settled on this obvious drivel.

And what drivel!

You know a film is badly written when at the end the main characters explain the last two hours to the audience through typical Harry Potter conversations: "So you see, it wasn't Snape after all! It was Voldemort all along!" Yeah, that happened at the end of this film, but in much more detail, as if the audinece actually cared what the FUCK was happening by then! Total rubbish.

Anyway, Anna and I both came out of the cinema talking about the same thing, how gorgeous Jennifer Aniston is. There was a time towards the end of Friends when she was so horrifically thin that she made us feel sick, well those days are over, she is 41 and she is lovely, her legs, her arms and her face are perfect.