The Orphanage (2007)

Celia and I made the mistake of buying an actual GOOD horror movie instead of the crap we usually watch like the Changeling or Pet Semetary. We were scared all the way through but then discussed how good it was and how we liked the Peter Pan theme. We went out of the house and had a nice long walk and then watched some Alan Partridge to forget how scared we had been. four hours after the film had ended I went to bed and as soon as I closed my eyes I thought about every single detail of the film, I was terrified for hours. 

This is why I shouldn't be allowed to watch good horror! Only classic horror please! or naff horror!! The Orphanage, on reflection didn't have anything horrible visually in it (except one gross bit) but with the combination of very good artistic direction, music, suspense and of course the age old theme of creepy dead children… it made for a hauntingly good film. I'm still scared but I keep thinking about the Peter Pan element and loving it.

The Omen (1976)

JD picked out some films as he always does when I go to visit, he knows I like horror films but can't watch them on my own (which is why Celia and Lauren have to watch one every time they visit) Why had I never seen the Omen before?! Why didn't I know who was in it!? It was great! and it had a great cast!! At the end I said "I can't wait to find out what happens next!" and JD said the other films are rubbish and apart from Sam Neil in the third one, have rubbish casts. Boooooo! 

The Village of the Damned (1960)

We also watched this one on the same day. It was GREAT!

The Changeling (1980)

"Celia, I want a classic type of horror film that will be creepy while we're watching it but won't actually scare me at all in the long run!" The back of the box said "After the tragic death of his wife and daughter Composer George C. Scott moves into a Victorian haunted house to carry on his work." Perfect!

Man, what a stupid film. Much hilarity.

The Woman in Black, Theatre Royal York

Celia and I watched the film a couple of days before I went to hospital last year, I with I hadn't seen the film because then I might have actually found the play disturbing and frightening, as it was I wasn't really affected at all which is a shame because I could see how good it was and how frightened I should have been!
Another thing that ruined the atmosphere was the ridiculous Wednesday night York audience. The kind of audience who rolled boxes of maltesers, crunched sweeties, coughed and screamed at all the wrong moments. Too much nervous laughter- FAR too much. It didn't create the right atmosphere at all everyone guffawing after every tense moment.
Anyway, the two actors were great and it was really well staged, even from the very back of the gods it was a good view and a good play to look at.

The Woman in Black (2012)

Celia and I had a tv day, we had a tub of celebrations and we had a whole load of other yums. We watched Something Wicked This Way Comes, a favourite of mine from way back, young Jonathan Pryce, you are super lovely and scary as fuck. We watched the first House of Cards and Celia fell in love with Urquhart just as I had, oh FU, you creepy calculating charmer! We also went and bought the Woman in Black and watched it. It was GREAT! YES, you heard me! I enjoyed it! I thought it was a good old fashioned make-you-jump Hammer horror film. when they relied on shadows and half seen things out the corner of your eye it was a hundred times scarier than anything graphic or gruesome! Daniel Radcliffe was best when he didn't speak, he's good at acting scared so he was good in the part. I also liked the dog and was glad it didn't get hurt! Fun times!

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

And now for all the films I've seen since April! Yikes, a few of these, including this one, were comic shop work-outings, so we knew what the customers were talking about! I haven't worked there since August! Yeah, I miss it a lot, I miss knowing what comics are out and I miss spotify and tea breaks and the price guns... But I've been really busy and even though I could have come back october, november, december well, my appendix burst and then I had a lot more complications and I'm bedbound til Christmas and then fingers crossed I have that new job in January, so actually it's good that I left with time for the gang to replace me rather than them suddenly being in the lurch! Annoyed I missed Thought Bubble AGAIN though...


So Steve, Mikey and I went to see this 'cause all the nerds were talking about it. It was good, it was clever and it was scary. Well, I found it scary, sorry, I don't like zombies and violence and monsters! Mikey liked it but thought it wasn't scary, Steve didn't think it was scary either... It was!!

Stephen King's IT (1990)

I never read the back of the videobox when I was a child, I never wanted to! I just saw Tim Curry's creepy clown face and though 'I never want to see that!'
Well, Lauren and I were in a horror movie mood a couple of weeks ago and we went crazy and bought a load of old shite- half that we haven't even watched yet. We didn't get round to IT either but I have been ill for the last week and thought a three hour movie (originally two long TV episodes) would do me good. And I thought it was GREAT! Apart from Tim Curry it's not really scary at all and I loved the first half because it was like watching one of those 80s movies set in the fifties about a load of kids in nowheresville America just hanging about, you know, like Stand By Me. So it was really great watching all these kids getting freaked out but dealing with it by making dams and saying stuff like "Holy Smokes!" even though people were getting murdered!
I also liked it when you saw the present day versions of the kids all played by actors that din't look like them at all- especially the guy playing older Seth Green. Anyway, when they went down into the sewers as grownups it was a bit boring, but it was an enjoyable romp and I haven't had any nightmares.

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2011)

A bunch of college kids are in a car on their way to spend the weekend camping in the creepy woods, another vehichle passes them and the kids get a glimpse of the kind of folk they might meet in the hills... a couple of massive hillbilly hicks and their bruiser of a dog, chainsaws and all in their truck. We know the set up.
Yet this turned out to be THE BEST HORROR COMEDY. After that first scene the film then shifts to Tucker and Dale's point of view, they are hardworking country types who have finally saved enough money to buy and fix up a holiday home in the hills, they are cute and lovable and when bad things happen around them they are so scared and horrified that they weep.
The pure comedic joy you get from watching ridiculous stupid misunderstandings and accidents is immense. I recommend it.

Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2011 Part Two

Simon Munnery's Show, well, I was really drunk,and that just made it all the more magical. Especially the bubble hat. My favourite part- apart from the video of the Gillette eight bladed razor advert set in the 1940s- was the Sherlock Holmes monologue. Ace.
The Carroll Myth at Sweet on the Grassmarket was recommended to me by pals DBS. Great script, it was really well acted and staged -and the costumes were lovely. I liked all the instantly recognisable bits of Alice but also liked the not so recognisable bits. The Cheshire cat was cleverly done, played by three actresses in identicle cat suits just appearing in different parts of the room- including on the audience's lap!
Richard Herring, I see him every year, I saw him three times this year, and who knows maybe I'll see him again on Sunday or Monday! I went to recordings of his Edinburgh Podcast which are really great, two different comics on every day, one for chatting with and the other to do a five minute bit to promote their show. I saw Al Murray and he was great because he wasn't the one doing the five minute bit, he wasn't the pub landlord who Murray descibed jovially as "just a fucking idiot!" he was an Oxford boy talking to another Oxford boy and giggling. So much fun.
And of course I also saw Rich's excellent show, What Is Love, Anyway? Calum and I went and though Rich spends the entire hour just shouting it is very very good and he even managed to shout some quite sensitive stuff that sort of proves that Love is definitely something.
Faust/Us the one-man show of Doctor Faustus is so fucking terrifying and clever and exhausting and innovative I don't know how to review it! The show relies completely on Calum breathing in exactly the same places each night, the one hour projection of film, animation, puppetry and sound rolls while the actor acts around it playing all the characters convincingly with as little as a simple change of stance!
I think it's really brilliant that Calum has managed to use that animation degree even if it's just knowledge of how things work on screen. The film alone would be an amazing show but it's great that it's been useful for what he is actually going to do for the rest of his life, perform.
Fordie! I went to see Matt Forde's show Dishonourable Member and I fucking loved it. Though Matt must have sweat an entire ocean I still found myself a bit in love with him. That's what politics will do to a girl. Oh, is it just me? Just me who found Fordie's sports style commentary to an imaginary Labour Party win extremely emotional? Just me and Fordie who feel as strongly about Oasis as they do about the Labour Party? Yes. Fordie's show was for me, that's why I went on my own, the boy himself says that his opinions usually split the room, my opinions do too, that's why I came on my own, and it was brill. Bonus for the Alan Partridge sex jokes, we've all been there, mate.
Jon Richardson's written a book called It's Not Me, it's You. He's in Edinburgh doing some readings, no show this year, a book instead! I look forward to reading it all and agreeing with it all. Vis Fordie and the Labour Party, Jon Richardson and me are OCD buddies. Fuck, when it comes to cleaning and organising, I am up there with the mentalists. I get angry when I'm eating dinner because the plate I'm eating off is dirty- this sounds normal, of course you would be, that's disgusting! No. I mean that I have to clean everything I've used to cook with before I can eat the meal I've made and it bothers me that because the dinner is on the plate that plate now needs to be cleaned but I can't do it until after I've eaten it despite the fact I just DID all the washing up.
Yeah... Not even Jon would be that crazy.
Anyway, I hope he's ok, in the future I mean. I know I will be, because though I'm crazy, I enjoy washing up and cleaning up, and whoever I end up with will have to deal with the fact that I want to do those things- not to make their lives easier, but so I know it's done properly.

Dexter, season 4

I had my tonsils out last week and since then I have been watching some of the boxsets that are kicking around my folks' house. My dad likes Dexter because my dad wishes he was Dexter (though my dad also says stuff like "I don't understand why he doesn't just kill his wife and kids!" proving Dexter, the deranged serial killer, is more developed as a human than he is.) I started with Season four even though my dad has season three as well, I did this because John Lithgow was on the box.
Love John Lithgow.
Remember when me and Alison went to see him do his one man show at the National, it was wonderful! Such joy! So I wanted to see him be a bastard, and not just a Cliffhanger or Santa Claus bastard, a proper, hammer weilding bastard. And hey, with the normal image I have of him, staring into a mirror and shouting "God, I'm gorgeous!" it was at first an amusing idea- especially as the first time we see him he kills a girl while looking into a mirror. But it's suitably horrifying straight away for you to say, wait a minute, I don't like seeing him like this! This is horrible!! He was a good bastard. (And rather too attractive in this publicity shot- pin up! Ha!)
Anyway, I liked Dexter and the other characters enough to want to watch the other series now, much better than the cop crap on British TV.

The Rite (2011)

Shite. But look how beautiful the boy who stars is! Seriously! I was watching it thinking "my god, he might actually be perfect!" Something of the Joseph Fiennes about him methinks... but even better!

The first half of the film was ok, I thought they might actually be trying to do a "realistic" exorcism film. The pregnant girl being possessed seemed quite well done, and as we kept on being told, there is no physical evidence, you (the priest) have to just believe... But then loads of physical evidence started to happen; coughing up nails, doors cracking open, candles blowing out, bracelets being chucked all over the shop. Like, surely someone would say "Hey, this is physical evidence, isn't it?"

And if all the possessed folk just shout "fuck off priest!" how come when Anthony Hopkins is possessed he's extremely eloquent? He's Hannibal Lector again! I reckon that was just the way he taught every priest how to be an exorcist, just pretend to be possessed and let the kid say all the spells. "Well done, you passed! Next!"

Frankenstein (National Theatre)

Danny Boyle has a go at directing a play. So there's that to look forward too, you know, 'cause Trainspotting and 28 Days Later are fab films, hey, also there's a gimmick, the two lead actors are taking it in turns so it's a surprise on the night!

Ugh.

Right, first of all I knew he wouldn't be able to make the transition from film to theatre, secondly as soon as I heard the gimmick I knew it would be worse than originally feared. There is no way that both of those actors can play both those parts equally as good as each other. I've seen Johnny Lee Miller on stage before, he's not that impressive, yes, he has a cute profile, but I prefer him on film, he's actually in one of my top ten favourite films and he's really good. I knew there would be no problem with Benedict Cumberbatch, you can see he's a terrifyingly good actor, he would be fine in either role. And that's the main problem with the gimmick, you know that Cumberbatch is probably better in both roles and an ideal casting would be for him to play both at the same time.

We got Cumberbatch as the creature, he was really good, he was the only good thing in the play.

In fact, if he hadn't been there it would have been a dead loss. Frankenstein is not the best story for stage, not enough happens and so to compensate this Boyle made loads of stuff happen at the beginning, we're all impressed by the fact the whole Olivier theatre looks like a cave, then wow! Nudity! And a steam-punk train that had nothing to do with the plot! A Lion King sunrise and lots of Enya-type music playing while a naked Cumberbatch writhed around for twenty minutes. Finally when the two met they talked for what seemed like hours of the most boring staging I' ever seen, they just swapped sides every five minutes and Dr F took off layers of clothing to reveal quite a nice costume. BORING.

So the staging didn't impress me, the story didn't impress me, they should have rewritten it! Frankenstein is boring!! And the other actors didn't impress me. Naomie Harris had no character- there were no real characters!! Only the monster was interesting! The guy playing the father was awful, the kid was awful, like the gay kid from Billy Elliot or something, grinning and dancing around after he'd been murdered!

There were no real characters for the actors to play, I'm sure Johnny Lee Miller does an excellent creature, he probably plays it more vulnerable than Cumberbatch's angry bastard but his Dr Frankenstein was blah. I have a feeling Cumberbatch's doctor would be interesting but I really don't want to sit through it again to find out.

Rosemary's Baby (1968)

I really enjoyed this film, I thought it was a nice balance of horror and just good story telling. There was nothing gross, no gore, just suspense and paranoia- and quite a bit of unsettling comedy actually. There was a moment towards the end- probably when Charles Grodin turned up- when I thought "Jeez, maybe it is all in Rosemary's mind, maybe she's just mental!"
But it turned out everything was fine!
Oh wait, no it wasn't! She gave birth to the son of Satan!

Asylum (1972)

JD saved the best for last, Asylum stuck to the same formula as The House That Dripped Blood, a collection of short stories linked by the film's setting. In the first film we watched a detective hired to find out the deal with the spooky house- Elliot, Cushing, Lee and Pertwee all died there after renting it. We didn't really see what the curse was as the detective got killed by a vampire Doctor Who before figuring it out! Asylum might have had a couple of weaker stories but the setting and the final twist were all together creepier!
It reminded me of a Batman comic, all my favourite Batman comics take place in Arkham, the villains will grab an intern at the asylum and torture him or her mentally, by telling tales. Robert Powell was the intern in the film and the cast of crazies were all stars; Charlotte Rampling, Britt Eckland, Peter Cushing, Herbert Lom, James Villiers... And of course, the best part, the doctor showing young Powell around turned out not to be a nice chap at all but a proper mental played by Catweazle, Geoffery Bayldon. Yay!!

The House that Dripped Blood (1971)

JD, Heather, Big Iain and I had a Dundee-horror night last weekend, I like horror films but I don't like gore, I like psychological thrillers. JD delivered with an excellent variety of pics, we started with two recent horrors; Pontypool (2008) and The Children (2008).

Pontypool was exactly what I wanted, thumbs up to that one, a real mind-fuck!! I fancied The Children because I fancy Stephen Campbell-Moore, JD lied though, there was gore in that film- gross realistic wounds!!- I don't like that!! I like things that will haunt my brain!

I'd had enough of realism. So after the two recent films JD asked what we would like next, I chanted "Catweazle! Catweazle!" I needed something light.

We'd both been watching Mark Gatiss' History of Horror documentaries on BBC4 and I'd enjoyed the section on British horror so much that I'd watched the horrible (but good) Witchfinder General so my host picked out this little gem...

The House that Dripped Blood, despite it's title and gross poster over there, contained not one single drop of blood! Just four little horror stories starring a collection of dreamy British actors! And when I say dreamy I mean I've always liked them; Denholm Elliot starred in the first, then gorgeous Peter Cushing- swoon, big handsome brute Christopher Lee and then, urm, John Pertwee hamming it up in the last- BUT with cameo from even hammier Geoffery Bayldon aka CATWEAZLE!!

Witchfinder General (1969)

I listened to a radio play about the making of Witchfinder General about six months ago, Nicholas Grace played a miffed Vincent Price; Vinny had a dreadful time being forced by a director who did not want him in the first place to tone down his usual eyebrow-flashing acting into the subtle performance he gives in the film. Vinny thought he was dreadful and it was crap, turned out it was his best performance and it is a pretty scary realistic film about torture starring the world's campest villain playing it straight!

Yeah, and I thought Black Death was horrible, this one was just as gross and it was made forty years ago! Ian Ogilvy was very cute and I liked him being totally mental at the end but I did like Vincent Price a lot... I reckon someone might be able to get this straight a performance out of Alan Rickman one day if they really really tried.

The Devil's Backbone (2001)

Lauren and I watched a lot of films last night, Green Card, Three Men and a Baby, Lesbian Vampire Killers, Sleepy Hollow and The Devil's Backbone. Jeez, that is a lot, we did have the most appalling hangovers though, so it was ok, and we were in bed by 0ne (that gives you a good idea what time we started watching).

Anyway, apart from Lesbian Vampire Killers I had seen everything before- Three Men and a Baby is so sexist! How did I never notice?! It was horrible, like feminism was something that happened to other people. Luckily we made chocolate brownies and had dinner with that one just playing in the background. Sleepy Hollow is great fun, I love a good British ensemble! Claire Skinner was in it! Never noticed her before! Lauren saw that The Devil's Backbone was on Film4 after Sleepy Hollow and said "that's a great film!" so I said; "let's go!" We had bought the Shining and planned to watch that as our scary movie finale but I'd have much rather seen something I hadn't seen before and Lauren was asleep anyway so I watched it quietly, spellbound.

Much better than Pan's Labyrinth! Way better! So well acted!! It was scary but compelling, the supernatural element didn't get in the way of the Spanish Civil War story at all! I was gripped by both stories, more by the real one though- I did find the ghost boy a bit terrifying so I was glad that it mostly focused on the relationships of all the alive people in the school!

A young man to make out with and an older man for poetry? I get it.

Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

Total shite.

The lesbians never even made out! They just writhed around each other! How is that lesbianism!?

Lauren and I felt it our duty as Paul McGann fans to see this rubbish, and yes, when Paul's in it he is good. He even managed to make us laugh! Unlike the film's comedy duo Gavin and Smithy, who were both appallingly bad... I mean, we knew it was going to be shit, and we were both glad it was such a failure because, coupled with Cordon and Horne the worst sketch show ever fumbled together, it cemented the fact that they are just not funny. It made it plain that all the good bits of Gavin and Stacey are obviously written by Ruth Jones.

But why, Paul? Why?

Black Death (2010)

"Don't act until I tell you!" said Sean Bean half way through the film- I wish he'd bloody told them at the beginning!

This film was basically a medieval torture showcase! Some actors got hideously tortured but Eddie Redmayne showed that he has promise as a versatile film actor by playing a repressed monk and then at the end a psycho bad guy- but quite a pretty one. So this film was probably good for him but not for the others. Sean Bean played his usual and a rather miscast Tim McInnerny (still my favourite) played the heavy who ended up in the extravagant torture device last seen at the end of Blackadder I. Yeah, looking at Tim there playing a big thug I was like; "Oh dear, you really have some odd choices, Amy. Why do you like him?" And then he started speaking and even though the script was drivel McInnerny has a voice I could listen to all day. Sigh!

Terrible script, mostly terrible acting, terribly violent and above all terrible camera work- I felt headachy watching the hand held effect that lasted the majority of the film, ugh, focus damn it, focus!!