Oz the Great and Powerful (2013)

Hello "Things I have watched and Seen blog" prepare to be reminded of the crap I've seen in the last four months! Starting with this particular piece of crap that I had the misfortune of seeing when it was out! Disappointing! And as usual 3D just gives me a headache!

Great Expectations (BBC2)

It started off well, Young Pip and Magwich and the Fens were all perfect. I've never seen the setting done so well before, well done whoever was in charge of location! Miss Havisham was good too, gross and creepy and weak, really weak, I've seen her played strong too many times and of couse she isn't at all, she's a nut.
Then suddenly Pip grew up and was played not by a normal lad like the lad who played him as a child but by a Robin Hood/Merlin boy-bander with a face that was completely out of the wrong period.
Twenty five years ago the British leads were Anthony Andrews and Nigel Havers types, the guy playing Herbert Pocket, Harry Lloyd would have been cast as the lead not as the bumbling best friend! He was thin and charming and British looking, whereas the boy playing Pip in this Christmas' BBC drama looked like a gay Egyptian.
I mean why go the whole hog on everything else then totally miscast the lead? Everyone else was good! A good British character actor everywhere you looked and Justin Fucking Bieber standing in the middle of it all!
Anyway, they rushed it all, it should have been over four episodes.
And what the hell? Why was there a happy ending?! He's supposed to realise Estella is a bitch! Not live happily ever after with her! Ugh!! Crap.

The Bleak Old Shop of Stuff (BBC4)

Words cannot describe how disappointed I was by this.
I love Bleak Expectations on the radio but it's transfer to TV was utterly dire and lost all humour it once had.
Only one small joke made me laugh and that's because I like Una Stubbs.

Russell Crowe's Robin Hood (2010)

So just what was Robin Hood trying to steal from the rich and give to the poor in this appallingly American rewrite of the legend Britain's best loved crim? Liberty?!

I have been watching a lot of Tony Robinson's Maid Marian and her Merry Men (1989-94) lately and I have to say that as a spoof and a children's show even MM was a better telling of the story than the drivel I sat through tonight! In Ridley Scott's RH Russell Crowe leads an army into battle with France on the shores of England. He never EVER steals anything from the rich and gives to the poor- he steals some grain from the church and gives it to the relatively wealthy bird that he fancies. NOTHING else.

The production design was awful, AWFUL. What the hell did they base the look of it on?! It was all wrong. Bad script, bad look, bad casting. Yeah, half the time- no wait, I'm being kind, MOST of the time I didn't have a clue what Russell Crowe was saying, I had no idea what his accent was supposed to be, Scouser, Geordie, Yorkshire, Irish?! What?!

I was angry that Guy of Gisborne never turned up, I was even angrier that the Sheriff of Nottingham had about three minutes screen time- especially as Matthew MacFadyen seemed to be the only one in the film not taking it so effing seriously! He must have signed up and thought "Yeah! Sheriff of Nottingham! That's a brill role! The bad guy, yeah?" Only to find that Mark Strong was the bad guy Godfrey of Basingstoke! He must have got his script and said: "Well eff this, if Alan Rickman can camp it up to fuck then so can I!" And he was extremely campy while everyone else mumbled their lines like it was a serious piece of history.

Yes, I enjoyed the Sheriff's cameo but I spent most of the film (trying to find something to enjoy) deliriously lusting over Mark Strong. The thing I usually like about Mark Strong is his ill-fitting wigs, they change from film to film, but in this, without the ridiculous syrup as sported in Sherlock Holmes, I could really appreciate just how perfect his face is. Pity he got that badly made scar right at the beginning of the film. Boo!

Nine (2009)

Argh. I was so disappointed! I suppose that's what happens when you really look forward to something to the point of reviewing it before you've even seen it! (I did the trailer in June) It was weak- WEAK. And I'll tell you why.

Nine is the story of a man with the several women in his life he can't live without; his wife, his mistress, his muse, his mother and his mother-figure. Also some women who he's met and/or slept with... This CANNOT work if the man in question is portrayed as disgustingly sleazy and charmless. CHARM. Guido Contini is charming!! That's why all the women sing songs about how much they have loved him!! But Daniel Day-Lewis was CHARMLESS.

He was badly cast in all but one aspect; his looks. He looked Italian. And yes, Italian men are stereotypically sleazy- but as I have stressed Guido Contini is charming not sleazy! He put on a horrible ridiculous accent, not just while talking but while ATTEMPTING to sing songs he could not pull off! Songs that I used to LOVE!!! Argh, I'm even more angry now that I've seen it that Antonio Banderas did not get the chance to reprise his recent stage performance! He plays charming very well! Daniel Day-Lewis plays psychos and 'tards very well!

The thing is that all the women were very well cast (Not Sophia Loren but I suppose you had to have one Italian) and did very well with the songs, though I didn't like all the "sexy" dance numbers always in lingerie. You know, it is possible to show women being sexy without it being kinky or tacky... It's just that the central character was so hateful and badly cast it ruined the film for me. Also they cut all my favourite songs because DDL can't sing and the song Kate Hudson sang was jarring and out of place- and it was the one song they played twice.

Just William TV series announced for 2010.

no. No. NO. I know that child-actors have become more likeable lately, well, some of them, some times, I mean Freddie Highmore was perfectly cast in Finding Neverland as the tragic weepy child- but anything he's done where he's played an upbeat boy was horribly unnerving. The religious one in Son of Rambow is only good as an annoying weirdo and I fucking HATE the kid in Outnumbered we're all supposed to love. I tell you, if I saw that kid, I'd punch him right in his annoying fat face... Ahem, my favourite child actor of recent films is Son of Rambow's co-star with the pudding face (Will Poulter). He'd be a good William.

But no. NO! There shouldn't be a Just William TV series!! They've all failed miserably!! Remember the 90s one? *shudder* he was so clean and smug! Ugh, who was that little twat?! I adore Just William!! It should be made officially untouchable, can't Richmal Crompton's estate do something?! Can't Martin Jarvis do something?!

I mean, Tony Ross is one of my favourite illustrators, but I HATE what he's done to William! That shouldn't have been allowed!! Thomas Henry's illustrations are timeless!! and that image of William (see above) should be the only one that's allowed.

Martin Jarvis is apparently acting as consultant, but what power can he possibly have?! Written by fucking Men Behaving Badly and Reggie Perrin writer Simon Nye?! Fuck, if Martin Clunes is playing Mr Brown the BBC is asking for me to take up a shotgun and kill people.

Obviously I'm going to watch it. But Nothing will ever be better than the books- except on car journeys where you can't read and need Martin Jarvis to read it to you.

"General Malt walking, General Malt walking, ladies and gentlemen."

Brideshead Revisited (2008)

argh. ARGH! AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!

Someone woke up one day and said "Hey, I got a great idea, let's make Evelyn Waugh's classic novel Brideshead Revisited!"

"But, like, they already did it in the 80s... I think it's been voted the best television series ever made, and like, it was word for word to the book, and, well, 14 hours long..."

"Oh yeah, I saw that! Write this down 'Charles lights her cigarette,' that was the main bit in the TV show, yeah, hey, what else happened in that show? Somebody get me the name of that house."

What the hell was the point of remaking it?! At least film it somewhere else so that not EVERY fucking scene looks exactly the same as the series. No, film it at Castle Howard, use the same shots, whatever... "We've got this 14 hour box-set to use as our storyboard! Job done!"

Here's another suggestion say to anyone who's thinking of making The Jewel in the Crown into an hour and a half movie: Use actors who don't look and sound exactly like the actors in the original. Matthew Goode basically IS Jeremy Irons, I've covered this in my Watchmen Review. Ok, so he was the only one who looked like his original actor, the rest were all just uglier less talented versions of their originals....

Fuck! I can't believe I'm going to start ranting about this film, I knew I should never have watched it but here's the main difference (because believe me, the length of the film makes NO difference, in fact it seems longer...) Charles is attracted to Sebastian because of his CHARM. Anna and I overheard a gay American couple in the Cambridge Arts Cinema last year saying to each other "Hey, did you see the new Brideshead? The new Sebastian is so much cuter than the old one." What the FUCK!? Excuse me?! no... NO. The new Sebastian is portrayed by Ben Wishlaw as a creeping camp slimy pansy with absolutely no charm, the whole film seemed to turn the decline of drunken raving homosexual Sebastian into a metaphor for AIDs, I mean, christ! Look at him!! What the hell's wrong with that boy?! He looked horrendous.

While watching the series you are constantly hoping Sebastian will come back, you see the charm that Charles loved. In the film I couldn't wait for him to leave, he was not the same character at all. Ruined.

I can't be bothered typing all the horrible things wrong with this. Everything was wrong plot-wise... Here's a list of little irritations that might or might not amuse.

Anthony Blanche seemed straight next to Sebastian.

That's not John Gielgud.

No Death's Head or Sickly Child?!

Michael Gambon will do anything for money so I still respect him and his banana-hands. Emma Thompson can go eff herself after I heard her say arrogantly in an interview "I've never seen the original, I was a punk- so that wasn't really my scene." Wow, Emma, you're so punk going to Cambridge and getting your degree...

The guy who played NLP's part had more screen time than him and a close up- And he didn't even speak French!

Bridey died in the Blitz?!?!