Torchwood: Children of Earth (BBC1)

Tonight we watched three of this week's Torchwood episodes in a row. It was much more exciting this way than Monday and Tuesday's lone episodes. I don't usually watch Torchwood but you know, with no Doctor Who on we've all got a bit desperate- and I had faith that as it was a special, five hours in total, they would have to knock the standard up a bit.

These episodes of Torchwood were really good- a good story I mean. The problems only occurred when there were moments of dialogue unrelated to the children-are-alien-crack plot, ie whenever Ianto talks to Jack in a boyfriend-capacity his character seems to get more and more blah, and nobody cares when he dies.

I like Gwen and I like her average bloke husband, I even ended up liking Ianto's comic relief family, but Ianto and Jack together were so boring! How could a relationship ever have happened between them when Ianto had NO personality!?! Jack is also boring and very one-dimensional for a character who has supposedly broken all sci-fi boundaries or whatever...

The supporting cast and characters on the other hand are what made the five-day special very watchable, I loved the girl who was their spy on the inside, she was the best Torchwood team member. Sea-gully (Paul Copley) was great as a convincing looney, Peter Capaldi was fabulously teary as usual and Nick Farrell was, as usual, confusingly gorgeous as the slimy PM.

Anyway, it is a shame that Torchwood is over after these episodes proved that it wasn't all shite. But I think Torchwood fans probably missed the "sexy banter" and all the inbreeding going on in the office, whereas I appreciated it as a good fun piece of science fiction and felt it was at it's worse when Ianto wasn't focused on saving the Earth and instead was sighing; "Jack, will you still remember me in 1000 years? sob, cry, etc."

Psychoville Episode four (BBC2)

Great episode tonight. Anna came in afterwards having spent the whole half hour on the computer (presumably looking for Snappy the Crocodile on eBay) and said "Well, there's never enough of David and his mum." Poor Anna.

Yes, what a really good bit of editing, only saw two clever cuts, if we ignore these (as dad did) the whole half hour was in one shot, fab camera work. Really really good, nice afternoon-play/horror film feel to it. And great seeing Gatiss in there with them, ah, memories! I loved the League of Gentlemen, too much I think... I'm not sure how many other girls watched it instead of doing GCSE coursework and thought it was genius. I still go around shouting the orange juice line from the first episode. I mean obviously everyone has their favourite lines, but could I have picked a stupider one!? Ha!

btw, Janet McTeer, David Bamber and Nick le Prevost were perfect as a murder mystery group, of let's face it, failed actors. Didn't like Janet McTeer's death last week- thought that was a bit horrific, glad we only had to hear Nick getting hit by a bus (he sort of deserved it after wearing that sweater-vest). Not looking forward to Bamber's death, I've always liked him...

Jon Richardson and Shappi Khorsandi -Hebden Bridge Arts Festival

Last night for Lauren's Best Ever Birthday (only ruined by having her car broken into and her prized possessions being nicked and all her hard work being deemed pointless- Happy Birthday, Lauren!!) we went to see stand-up comics Shappi Khorsandi (Listen to her new Radio4 show Shappi Talk every Thursday) and Jon Richardson (listen to his radio show on 6music every Sunday). Jon was the main draw for Lauren, and for Anna and I really, I knew Shappi from- as she pointed out- being the Iranian comedienne on Radio4. I've seen Jon a few times at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and have never missed a podcast since they began way back when Mr Howard was co-hosting, oh dear oh dear, he should never have left, he is just not funny enough on Mock the Week (Thursdays BBC2). But Jon was always the best one anyway, and Fordie makes up for anything lost when Russ temper-tantrumed out of there, or whatever happened... We'll never know!

I introduced Lauren to Jon's podcasts a couple of months ago when we were on holiday together, they're very good for long car journeys. And I was thrilled a week later to see that the only comedy act coming to this year's Arts Festival was last night's show- on the day after Lauren's birthday!! Yes!! I have never found an easier present- An easier good present, I should say, it is quite easy for Lauren and I to buy shite for each other, though she's the expert there.

And Jon delivered!! His Edinburgh show is going to be fantastic this year, it was good last year, but I think even better, even more bitter this year.

Yes, these were the previews, Shappi was on first and was very cute and nice to the audience- her set needed a little polishing (that's what these pre-Edinburgh shows are for) but she more than made up for pauses with charm and impressions of her little brother and sister. I overheard her say in the bar to Jon afterwards "I can't believe you've got your Edinburgh show sorted already!" But Shappi, Jon lives alone and works (outside of writing and performing his stand-up) three hours a week on a Sunday morning. You have a two year-old boy, a husband you are obliged to acknowledge and loads of token-Iranian appearances to make on BBC Radio4! Don't worry about it! You were great!!

Jon's set was very tight and very funny. I was really glad we'd sat in the front row, all three of us offered a show of hands when asked who was a perfectionist, and then the majority of us were confused by the follow-up question: "Are you in relationships?" Anna instantly answered "No," while me and Lauren exchanged glances and both thought 'With each other?!' Idiots.

The Picture House was full, which made us think that if Hebden Bridge did organize more comedy then it would be completely worth while, but unfortunately the Arts Festival is made up of the usual Cello recitals and poetry evenings. I have been to three writing workshops in the last week, none have been helpful. As you can see.

Just William TV series announced for 2010.

no. No. NO. I know that child-actors have become more likeable lately, well, some of them, some times, I mean Freddie Highmore was perfectly cast in Finding Neverland as the tragic weepy child- but anything he's done where he's played an upbeat boy was horribly unnerving. The religious one in Son of Rambow is only good as an annoying weirdo and I fucking HATE the kid in Outnumbered we're all supposed to love. I tell you, if I saw that kid, I'd punch him right in his annoying fat face... Ahem, my favourite child actor of recent films is Son of Rambow's co-star with the pudding face (Will Poulter). He'd be a good William.

But no. NO! There shouldn't be a Just William TV series!! They've all failed miserably!! Remember the 90s one? *shudder* he was so clean and smug! Ugh, who was that little twat?! I adore Just William!! It should be made officially untouchable, can't Richmal Crompton's estate do something?! Can't Martin Jarvis do something?!

I mean, Tony Ross is one of my favourite illustrators, but I HATE what he's done to William! That shouldn't have been allowed!! Thomas Henry's illustrations are timeless!! and that image of William (see above) should be the only one that's allowed.

Martin Jarvis is apparently acting as consultant, but what power can he possibly have?! Written by fucking Men Behaving Badly and Reggie Perrin writer Simon Nye?! Fuck, if Martin Clunes is playing Mr Brown the BBC is asking for me to take up a shotgun and kill people.

Obviously I'm going to watch it. But Nothing will ever be better than the books- except on car journeys where you can't read and need Martin Jarvis to read it to you.

"General Malt walking, General Malt walking, ladies and gentlemen."

Serena vs. Dementieva Semi-Final Wimbledon (BBC1)

Best match of the day!! Three hours long!! So exciting!! It was long enough for me to actually finally grasp the rules of tennis!! By the time Venus came along at the end to thrash the "World's Number One" in under an hour I was scoring better than ol' Hawkeye the umpire (embarrassing match for that munterific Russian).

Yes, this was an amazing tennis match. Serena Williams was fabulous! Dementia(va- the commentators seemed ironically to forget this syllable of her name) was amazingly good, like a cold calculating machine! All pointed and intense, her muscles wirey and gross! And Serena was like Wonder Woman!! Beautiful and feminine- though still huge, strong and able to crush you like a bug!! Argh! I want her! And hearing her [and Venus] speak after their wins, well, those girls are just lovely! Americans know all the right things to say don't they? It's because they are taught public speaking at school over there, they always compliment the other players and they're so humble and charming!! If it was a Scot winning he'd be all like: "Well, the best man won, ps I've never read a fuckin' book!" ( Ha! I don't know really, I'm not swept up in Murray-fever, I don't watch the mens matches- yawn, but I did read in the Radio Times Andy Murray gloating that he's never read a book. What a fucking role model, eh kids?)

Angels and Demons (2009)

Yeah the Da Vinci Code(2006) was shite, but so was the book!! We all read it! We all enjoyed it as we were reading but felt like we'd wasted a night at the end of it!

I read Angels and Demons three years ago while on holiday... in Rome. It was one of the books in the house. I enjoyed it! Yes, probably because I was in Rome and visiting all the sights of the horrific murders and that made it more exciting. But I don't know, I actually enjoyed it!

In the book really liked the Camerlengo, I thought he was great! I pictured a 36 year old Jonathan Pryce so I was really pleased with the idea of Ewan McGregor in the film, 'cause, you know, he's a good British actor (important).

He was both cute and sinister, really the cute and extremely heroic outweighed the sinister a bit too much for my liking (though I suppose it's not supposed to be obvious that he's the bad guy- even though you could tell in the book straight away- why else would I picture a sinister Mr Dark -esq Pryce?!) Yeah! I wanted him to be Pope too!! And I don't even care about religion! That guy just saved the Vatican!! Make him the new Pope!!!

I remembered it all very clearly from the book which I found odd because I don't remember all of the books I've read and I sort of figured Dan Brown as pulp fiction would be easily forgettable but I came out saying "So when were we going to find out that he was the Pope's son?" I have a feeling that it was probably shot but edited out of the bit where Tom Hanks finds the end-the-film-quickly-plot-device recording of Skarsgard arguing with Ewan, the way he shouted "Your Father!" sort of implied that in those diaries he'd read the truth. The truth that would have given McGregor motive for madness and sort of explain his behavior a bit... Ah well!

Anyway, even though it was still rubbish and Tom Hanks is still badly cast I liked it, but that's because I found the Camerlengo extremely endearing (to put it politely) both in the book and the film. More in the book though, you know, when he was Italian not Irish.

Robin Hood (BBC1) Series 3 Episode 13:Something Worth Fighting For pt2

Surely they can't commission another series. Surely.

So Allan died horrifically last week after no one believed in him- he managed to do an actual convincing bit of fighting beforehand though which prompted me to say "Ooh, when Robin leaves Allan should take over, at least he can fight!" Well, Allan died, the Sheriff killed him. Bastard!!! Allan was the best one!! Especially since Guy turned into a big sissy and essentially the comic relief ("Where do I sleep?" "Where's my horse gone?" etc.)

So this week my money was on Guy and Much for the chop- How the FUCK is Much still alive?!

Yeah, Guy died- undramatically, predictably saving Robin, with terribly dialogue and bad filming (hello, he's the best looking cast member, give him a good death scene, let's not be staring up his nose while he croaks.) Meanwhile; "I'm Isabella! I saw this in a play! Take that from a poisoned blade!!" Robin got cut a la Hamlet and died after first saving everyone and blowing up Nottingham CGI Castle along with The Sheriff, that hoarse black guy and Isabella, boo hoo.

In comes the ghost of Maid Marian and she and Robin dance off into the distance, ah, how sweet- they then pan back to Robin's body which twitches enough to scare the 8 year-old audience out of their wits. One or the other BBC!! Romanticized death, floating off rejoining loved ones, or agonizing twitching reality- Not both!!!

They could have done so much with it. I mean, every episode in all three series has been awful, so I suppose it's no surprise. But FIVE major characters died! And none of them died dramatically! Two got blown up, Guy was just forgotten about, Allan was at least given a funeral (though how the Outlaws had time for this I don't know, they were supposed to be under attack by a huge army) and yet again writers of a Robin Hood story missed the most famous part of his legend!!!

While dying Robin Hood took up his bow one last time and said to his merry men: "Wherever this arrow lands you must bury me..."

So they buried him on top of the wardrobe.